43.2 Million Dead (the Onion got it wrong) in Bloodiest 2013 Black Friday Shopping Weekend

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The death toll this Black Friday weekend was actually 43.2 Million Americans nationwide (the Onion actually got the statistics wrong) as hordes of crazed and greedy shoppers push, shove and trample their fellow humans for that PS4 and Tickle Me Elmo (yes the Tickle Me Elmo toy is back) and other sales deals.

TVs, lap tops, tablets, phones, Pokemon stuff, Living Dead dolls, refrigerators, and even GI Joes were being fought for and people were killed for left and right in order to get the best deal.

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It all started out as a peaceful camp out in negative 15 degree weather….

 According to one survivor who allegedly camped out since 9pm Thanksgiving night all the way until 5AM post Thanksgiving, told of the horrors of this Black Friday sale.  In the middle of the night, all was still, quiet and remarkably civil as the campers played Angry Birds, Texas Holdem, Farmville 2 while others smoked cigarettes and ate snacks in their make shift tents and sleeping bags for hours and hours until the store opened.  Finally after the long, tedious hours of waiting in the freezing cold, the doors of the department store opened and that was when the carnage and chaos began.

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Then the Mob started to form up…

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The first person to die was one of the first people in line…

The first person in line was the first one to die as witnesses described  roving bands of little old ladies armed with guns, batons,  switch blades and a lead pipes pushing and shoving their way through the automatic doors as they fought a big, buff, Jersey Shore looking dudes with brass knuckles for the first person to get a toaster, yes a toaster that was supposedly on sale.  Unfortunately for the Jersey Shore looking dudes, a switch blade beats brass knuckles, hands down, especially since the little old ladies were once experienced knife fighters in all female gangs during the 1950’s; their elderly husbands cheering them on and throwing molotov cocktails over cars in the parking lot as they could not wait in line.

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An old lady stole something from this other woman’s cart and melee erupted…

As employees screamed and ran for their lives, they were quickly gunned downed and trampled on by the roving bands of Black Friday shoppers.  In spite of shots being fired and bodies laying lifeless, the shoppers were not the least bit startled as they continued to surge into the stores at alarming rates.  There was no crowd control and eventually melees and gunfights would erupt as the Black Friday shoppers greedily took things from other shoppers in a violent frenzy.

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Some Black Friday shoppers could not wait for the stores to open and took matters into their own hands…

Incidents include middle aged hipster looking guys in skin tight jeans, (their beards being the only thing that gives them any resemblance of a man), beating the crap out of little girls over Barbie Dolls and My Little Ponies.  Single moms viciously stabbing happily married men with kitchen knives, while the married men savagely beat obnoxious Justin Beiber look a like teenagers to death, caving in their skulls with crushing blows.

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People scrambling to get the best deals…

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Only to be jumped and killed for their items…

The carnage did not end there as people continued to push, shove, trample, bludgeon, slash and impale their way through the lines.  It was like hell on Earth, only this was real…  I do not think even Dante could describe the chaos and destruction as stores were literally burned to the ground and people were beaten and killed over the best deals.

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The aftermath was a nightmare for all department stores, employees and the people who died in the carnage…  Happy Holidays everyone…

 

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About Daclaud Lee
Daclaud Lee is a resident of Columbus Ohio.

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