Besides actually dressing up as a Douchebag from Jersey Shore (oh wait, that was 2011’s fad, I think Tiger Woods, Seth McFarlane and Miley Cyrus have taken over those roles), you can be a literal douche bag by handing out these treats for Halloween:
Handing out Pennies will save you a ton of money on actual candy. If 50 kids show up, then you’re only out 50 cents! Make sense? Good! Because if you decide to pass out pennies, then you are obviously the king of douche bags because you obviously have nothing better to do with your time. When I was a kid, I knew an older couple in the neighborhood that did this. I mean seriously, what the hell is a kid supposed to do with a penny you cheap f*cks?
2. Halloween Erasers
I mean, this is not a bad idea, but since these are most likely the cheap o erasers that you can purchase at the dollar store, then you are douche bag because kids do not like school supplies; you cannot eat them and I’m sure they already get enough from their teachers.
3. Cough Drops (or expired cough drops)
If you hand these out, then you are a real douche bag. Sure it is funny as a prank, but kids will be like “WTF” when they see this in their treat bag. You might as well just turn off all your lights and claim you are not home. But if you insist on being a Halloween Douche bag, then go for it!
I assume you are either really rich or have an apple tree in your back yard? If you injected the apples with cyanide (actually the seeds to have cyanide in them I believe, whic), then you pretty much just gave yourself a ticket to prison, since you were probably only like one of two people in the entire neighborhood to hand out apples. If you have an apple tree in your back yard, then you are an ultra douche bag (not to mention a cheap f*ck) because no one will eat these apples. Most kids will just throw them away (on the street or back at your house) or their parents will not let them eat it (assuming they are good parents).
Okay, these kids actually look cute and innocent (not in the creepy Michael Jackson perspective okay?) are you sure you want to be a douche bag to them on Halloween? They are expecting some good treats!
When I was a kid, there was some douche bag old man who would do this all the time. If you are handing out coupons on Halloween (that you clipped from the newspaper), then you are definitely a douche bag and a cheap son of a b*tch because what the hell is a kid going to do with a coupon for shaving cream?
6. Religious Crap
I believe that bibles are free and you can get a bunch of them for distribution from a church or mosque, but really? I mean, REALLY? Imagine going Trick or Treating on Halloween night and getting a mini copy of the Bible or the Koran. If I was a kid, I would be pissed and I would probably egg and TP your house during the after hours. Then I would rip up your holy books and wipe my a$$ with the pages, but that’s just me. Don’t be a dick by handing out religious crap on Halloween because no one wants to be preached to.
Stickers are always a poor choice for Halloween Treats because they will probably end up on your car, or on the side of your house. If you don’t want pissed off kids, then don’t give them stickers you cheap @$$ moe foe!
8. Salt and Pepper Packets
I was wondering what would be douchier on Halloween, sugar and ketchup packs or salt and pepper packs. I decided to go with the salt and pepper packs just because they are the complete opposite of sweet and kids will literally wonder how the hell a pack of salt or pepper got into their candy loot bag. If you want to be a douche bag, you can get away with this with a quick toss and the kids might not notice, but if they do, then you will be known as the king or queen of douche bags of Halloween within the neighborhood.
9. Paper Rolled up into the Shape of Candy
Talk about pure douche baggery; nothing can be worse than getting a fancy piece of paper rolled up in the shape of candy and not having anything in there.
10. Trick Candy
To be honest, I thought about this, but trick candy can only be purchased at a gag store and they can be somewhat more expensive than real candy. But if you insist on being a douche bag for Halloween and don’t want to use razor blades (razor blades are illegal and you can get in trouble with the law), then trick candy laced with pepper and spices is probably one of the most douche bag tricks you can play on a kid for Halloween.
So if you still insist on being a douche bag, then you can take this Halloween Trick or Treat guide literally. Otherwise, don’t pass out any of these as “treats” for Halloween!