Restaurant Manners: Don’t be a Douche Bag!

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As you can probably tell by my other articles, I like the word “douche bag” and I also HATE douche bags for a variety of reasons.  A douche bag is described as someone who is a beneath a Jackass and does stupid and obnoxious things just to piss people off.  Sometimes I wonder if douche bags do these things deliberately or if they are just so dumb that they don’t even realize that they are offending people.  Douche bags are the scum of the Earth and I hate them with a passion. Anyway, here are several ways you can NOT be a douche bag when dining out at your local restaurant.

Have Manners

Always say please and thank you to your servers.  They are human too and not your slave and just because they work at a restaurant doesn’t mean they are stupid.  The 58 year old lady serving you could be supporting a kid in college studying for some kind of science degree and become next scientist who discovers the cure for cancer.  That 18 year old serving you could also be that person who discovers the cure for cancer for all you know.

And hypothetically speaking, what if you or someone you know gets cancer?  How would you feel if that kid you mistreated, now turned scientist treats you badly just because you have cancer?  What if he called you a punk ass cancer victim before he gave you the cure?  It would feel pretty sh*tty right?  Respect the server as a human being and they will go out of their way to go above and beyond their job to make your service even better!

Don’t make too much of a mess 

A little bit of a mess is no big deal and is expected, but if you’re deliberately throwing sh*t on the ground and breaking things, then you are a douche bag because the restaurant owner and the staff have to clean it up.  Even though you think it’s their job (actually it is not their job to pay for sh*t that you broke or f*cked up), it doesn’t entitle you to be a douche bag and deliberately make a mess.  Imagine inviting a bunch of guests over to your house for dinner and they suddenly get all drunk, get rowdy and trash your house and leave.  Would you expect your guests to clean things up?  Certainly not, but you also wouldn’t appreciate your guests trashing your house either right (unless of course that was the purpose of the party)?  The same principal applies to a restaurant; when you are at a restaurant, you are essentially a “guest” the restaurant, so don’t be that guest that no one likes okay?

Always tip your servers

Unless your server was blatantly rude to you or cussed you out, then you certainly can stiff them, but if they are genuinely trying, then I would suggest complaining to management instead.  Sometimes service cannot be as prompt as quick as you would like and just because the server is busy doesn’t mean you have the right to stiff them, considering they are trying their best to serve you and the other dining room guests as well.  You are really being a douche bag if you stiff them because it is not their fault and the American restaurant system means that most servers rely on tips for their income.  If things were to change, then you would expect to pay higher prices at your local restaurants; the choice is yours.  Do you want to pay higher food prices due to a loss in profit margin or would you rather just give a server a 15% tip?

No public restrooms means NO public restrooms!

Don’t be a douche bag and order a 0.25 cent mint or cookie just to use the restroom.  This is such a douche move!  You know the frigging toilet paper, water and soap that you used up costs more than that!  If you clogged the toilet, guess who has to clean it up?  Not you, but one of the restaurant staff and sometimes a clogged toilet can cost hundreds of dollars to unclog if they have to call in the plumber.  This is just not cool!  I mean how would you feel if a total stranger took a sh*t in your house and clogged the toilet with so much paper that there was nothing you could do to unclog it and you were stuck with a $300.00 plumbing bill?  You probably wouldn’t like that right?  So why do you believe you are entitled to use a restroom at a restaurant if you are not a customer?  You don’t pay the owner’s bills, so you should not get to use the restroom.

Don’t post negative reviews on directories

Unless your experience was just simply revolting and you were emotionally scarred, there is no real reason to give a restaurant one star simply because you did not like the food.  Taste is entirely subjective and just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you should tell other people not to eat it (come on, this is such a douche bag move and you are ruining lives because of your douche bag opinions!).  The only reason why you should post a negative review is if one of the staff or management deliberately screwed you over or did something to personally offend you.  Other than that, if the restaurant is genuinely making an effort and “trying” (people have to make a living somehow), then there is no reason to destroy the business by giving them a negative review.  Always try to be as objective as you can on restaurant reviews.  This is where most people can end up being total douche bags.

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About Daclaud Lee
Daclaud Lee is a resident of Columbus Ohio.

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